Disclaimer: As usual, this post is also DEPRESSING. Read it only if you can endure the storm of uncomfortable emotions. Let’s start the journey of Pity.
Isn’t it ironic that in a densely populated country of the world, in a densely populated city, living in between crowds, and people everywhere yet I feel lonely?
I am not sure if it is saddening or cheering that I am not the only one. In some way, this reminds me of a 1971 song by pop-musician John Lenon – “Imagine“.
Once upon a time, the lyrics of this song were my only dream, but not anymore. I have lost all hope now.
I don’t know where I turned wrong in my life. I recall being bullied in school AND college, was that trauma turned my back on the world? I remember being ignored by unrequited love repetitively, was that heartbreak smashed my true self? I got India’s unique opportunity to educate the world of scientific temperament, and I blew it in my arrogance, does that failure still haunts me?
I have been quite sincere to my seniors and acquaintance yet I feel my struggles to make things rationally and morally right has turned into a never-ending existential crisis. The true ME never lived a day being himself. I have been pretending to be someone who can be LIKED, APPROVED, NOT seen as WEIRDO, NOT laughed at. Being NORMAL has always seemed an impossible task to achieve, no matter how hard I try. In between my inner fight of pretending to be NORMAL and being true ME, I have suffered a lot. The true ME can truly feel the emotions of this dialogue from the movie “Dear Zindagi”.
बचपन में जब रोना आता है , तो बड़े बोलते है आसूं पोछो | जब गुस्सा आता है , तो बड़े कहते है smile ताकि घर की शांति बनी रहे | नफरत करना चाहें , तो इजाज़त नहीं दी | और जब प्यार करना चाहे , तो पता चला ये साला emotional system ही गड़बड़ा गया , काम नहीं कर रहा , cannot function. रोना , गुस्सा , नफ़रत कुछ भी खुल के express नहीं करने दिया . अब प्यार कैसे express करें ? – Dear Zindgi Movie
The NORMAL ME would act fake cool and try hard selling my personality to fit in and hide all the emotions that could label me as “crybaby”
I don’t know how to express ANY feelings. I struggle to find the right semantics and words. Millions of Hows and Whys haunt me. How to talk to girls, how to talk to people, how to wish someone a birthday or anniversary, how to tie a Tie, why do I have to put on black and white shaded shirts to fit in, why the world of men is colourless, why can’t we walk naked on the street like a year old, why men expressing emotion, or crying is a sign of weakness, why human have to be fought over the stupid flag, why live in cubicles, why people are brutal, why there are so many ‘__ism’, why hospitals and every institution are horrors of capitalism, why money exists, why I have to pay for natural resource – I AM A NATURE TOO (मैं भी हु NATURE….), not an artificial being, Nature sets a survival rule on every species. Humans are the only species who fight over stupid philosophical nonsense, which scientifically doesn’t exist. If that’s not enough, periodically corrupt humans impose restrictive rules on their gene pool to keep them living as slaves under the illusion of freedom.
When life felt disappointing at every turn, I heard that excellence like Einstein and Newton will surely give me praise, attention and a feeling of worthiness. It gave recognition to my brother and sisters, cousins and classmates. I was 100% sure that excellence is the ONLY way out of my misery. In pursuit of seeking whatever I have felt unfortunate for, I miserably, dishearted, and desperately participated in the race of being excellent. This consistently conflicted and created a dilemma between my values and the race of excellence. I suffered from being indecisive and tried hard to find harmony. In an attempt to merge these two Worlds, I build up a sensitive ego, which over time became more fragile. My gravitas towards being GOOD and PROTECTING my frail ego at every opportunity outgrew my neediness for affection.
Life is not fair, People are not perfect, and the World is not perfect, from our elementary DNA to the expanse of the known universe, uncertainty, disorder, and haphazardness follow everywhere. The theory of evolution proves this insecurity of survival.
Even Mythological God seems haunting and brutal. Why would GOD have to kill everyone and be selective to some for Noha’s Ark? Why Krishna had to create a war between families and let innocent die brutally on a battlefield? Why Karthik- A son of Shiva is ignored and Ganesha be worshipped? Bring on any religious scriptures it’s full of violence and unknown innocent species suffering, why? Because all these nonsense are creation of humans to fool humans. By nature, I find humanity an extremely destructive specie on Earth. I accept Life and Death are Absolute Truths but Suffering is Causal.
For a decade I believed God helps all. Knowing this makes me feel sick of him. As if he can’t handle his own creations’ blunders how would he’ll be able to help ME – An infinitesimally smaller than a dot whose existence doesn’t matter at all or maybe we all are just experimental rats of almighty’s laboratory.
Cry, vulnerability, shame, guilt, anger, hate, love, likes,… overwhelming feelings create chaos inside – ( A voice comes from within) – HIDE it from the world or you will be treated as a weak, coward, loser, idiot, stupid, weirdo, psycho, mental etc. Your relatives and spouse will find you a loser. The World will treat you like garbage. Empathy is a weakness too. In a capitalist world, a businessman cares about money, not the customer’s happiness. You can either be ethically right and perish OR be corrupt and become a powerful man who can control a significant part of the population for self-greed.
Enough of Philosophy! Let’s get to the Crybaby Story . . .
In my observations of decades, I can sum up what men wants and what wormen wants in two sentence.
Men are attracted by the beauty and simplicity of a Women. Women are attracted by bravery and masculinity in Men.
Going through my fight of personal values vs survival dilemma, imposter syndrome, existential crises, multiple failures, broken heart, social anxiety, and low self-esteem, my fickle nature, responsibility at an early age, sister’s broken marriage, and uncountable such small instances were consistently screwing my thoughts turning into depression. As if that wasn’t enough. Being too harsh with self and disturbed for too long, a non-curable disorder slapped me in 2019. My already shattered world got numbed, paralysed, purposeless.
How stupid was I to think that a life-partner can help me to reassemble my life from pieces.
I was a 31-year-old desperate virgin guy who never had a girlfriend (Not even a girl space friend). I can barely stand a girl, even to-day, forget about talking, I would have peed over my pants off if I dare. All my life I dreamed and rebelled against my parents for the rights of love marriage and fantasized having a daughter like my first love. Against all my will, I chose a no option call: “Arrange marriage“.
My unwillingness always found excuse like, she is not fair, she has a big nose, she has big lips, and she uses iPhone which I can barely afford, she earns twice as me, she is high maintenance, she is superstitious, she has no self-identity, she is as depressed as me, she hates science and maths, she doesn’t want to be independent after marriage, she is too horny, she is show-off, she is just a blah. Blah…
Frustrated with this season of rejection, judgement, trickery, guilt ongoing for 3 years, I finally got committed in 2021, and separated within about 5 months of torture. I found a lot about myself in these 5 months:
- I am an impotent guy, who is not man enough to satisfy any woman.
- Showing off that ‘I care’ is more important than actually caring.
- The idea of a woman I have perceived was way too optimistic.
- Men being emotional showing neediness is not only a big turn-off for women but also makes men feel unworthy of being a partner, husband, more often unworthy to be alive.
- The soulmate is just nonsense. True love and its beauty exist only in Stories, Books and in Fantasy. In reality, all love is just fake. It’s a universal truth that complete honesty is brutal – A proven scientific fact.
- Personal convenience matters more than a relationship.
- For women, it is natural to seek security in their life partner, nothing wrong in it. I got to know that a heavily flawed, naive pessimistic ME can never make any woman feel secure.
- Once I believed Mother’s love is the truest form of love. It was heart-wrenching to accept that it is just a matter of selling a dreamy delusion to a mother and she is happy to leave all her beloved and children behind in desolation.
A legend Richard Dawkin’s research validates that all genes are Selfish Genes, by nature, not that they are bad or feelingless. It is just that “my survival matters more than you” – A natural Law, can’t help it.
Let’s try to find a ray of hope from another legend:
The purpose of life is not happiness it’s usefulness – Ralph Waldo Emerson
That being said by Emerson, I asked myself, how am I useful? Ignoring begger on streets? Knowing technology my organization working on will make millions of people jobless? My skilled labour sucking out the torn pockets of poor and filling in the pockets of privileged? Outraging over social media against propagandanist? Not able to provide a Happy retirement to parents? How would in this life, I can feel “I am ( an invisible pale dot) useful” for humanity?
The corporate mantra ” Mind your own business” these disconnected souls act as annoyed and disturbed in a superficial collaborative environment as if their some rocket science work has collapsed due to interruption by another human, How’s anyone here is useful? how would I know my actions are not causing direct or indirect harm to anyone.
I know all these are extremely Pessimistic.
What’s the truth then? No one knows but I know few intellectuals can surely find some counter arguments of these abstract pessimistic questions for the sake of justification by playing with words and then bring on some optimistic appealing scene to hide and blur the reality of Unnatural Suffering, that’s how selling works.
You intentionally create a misery, justify it, apply it, create a delusional reality to make-believe game and sell the suffering so it can multiply like a virus and spread all over.
Disclaimer: My purpose is not to influence any reader negatively. These are just few outburst text from my Diary wanting to explore the World they only knew through me.
Avinamaurya 